Next time someone tells you about a problem, use these
steps.
1. Listen politely, without offering any suggestions.
Remember, it is not your problem.
2. Affirm that the problem is really important. Just say,
"That sounds like a really big problem."
3. Ask, "What have you already tried (thought of) doing
about the problem?" You learn all the suggestions to scratch
off your list. And you subtly reinforce the capabilities of
the person with the problem.
4. After you hear the answer, ask, "How did that work out?"
You invite the problem holder to rethink his or her own
challenge. Often that leads to a solution on the spot, with
thanks to you for your brilliant suggestions. (Of course,
you have not made any suggestions, but that doesn't really
matter.)
5. Ask, "Is there anything you would like from me?" Often
the answer will be, "No thanks, I have figured out what to
do next." If you are invited to do something more, you can
choose to accept or decline with a much broader
understanding of the problem.
These steps will help you resist your own tendency to try to
be a hero by solving someone else's problem, usually before
they even ask for your help. This game usually starts by
someone lamenting about a problem instead of asking for help
to solve it.
The invitation you are learning to decline is really about
proving that the problem is unsolvable, that nobody can
help, and that the problem holder is justified in giving up
and doing nothing further about the problem.
Instead, you affirm the problem holder's skill and
resourcefulness, without getting involved in the game. And
you may become the hero after all.
Laurie Weiss, Ph.D., author of Dare To Say It!, is an
internationally known executive coach, psychotherapist, and
author. For more simple secrets for turning difficult
conversations into amazing opportunities for cooperation and
success, visit http://www.DareToSayIt.com or email:
feedback@laurieweiss.com
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